There’s nothing better than welcoming the witching season by curling up on the couch with big bowl o’ hot buttered popcorn, some sugary goodies and watching your favorite horror flick on t.v. But one can only listen to Freddie’s knives screeching across metal so many times before becoming jaded.
Today’s spotlight author, John Everson, tells us how he thinks a bulletproof Teflon chastity belt would protect him in the fight against the next Big Bad evil horror movie creature! BB: Using mythical creatures, popular movie villains, strange characters and any other weirdness your twisted mind can think of, conjure up what you think the next Big Bad horror villain should be.
The most frightening, powerful creature in the world is Woman. Specifically, the woman who schools herself as the Seductress. A really good one can bring men and women to their knees even without any extra powers. So give her a connection with a the world of dark magic and… look out! I think the next Big Bad Horror Villain should be a Woman – the Queen of the Succubi – who is mortal but with the power of demonic attraction gained from erotic rituals performed after midnight in graveyards.
BB: What would you do if you ran into said villain?
Wear a bulletproof Teflon chastity belt.
BB: You need to stand out from the other victims in the movie. What catchphrase would you scream as you try to run away?
This Meat Market’s closed. Get your own balls!
BB: The monster has you and your friends cornered. What do you do?
Show her a mirror that turns her Penthouse Pet looks into the face of Roseanne Barr. And then laugh maniacally as her smug confidence slips away and she grabs at her face crying out in dismay. I imagine the sound of the Wicked Witch of the West as she’s melting…
BB: What is your weapon of choice to fight the Big Bad?
A trick mirror and a bottle of Very Cherry Vodka (to drown her sorrows in martinis after looking in the mirror).
BB: What is the eventual outcome? Is your number up? Or do you survive (and if so, how does the ordeal effect you)?
I survive, but after she gets drunk on Cherry Martinis and becomes increasingly morose because of her Roseanne Barr looks, I end up first trying to comfort her and then sleeping with her (she really did still look hot, despite the mirror’s depiction) and the act ends up saddling ME with the “looks that kill…” Now I have to wear shades and long coats when I go out, or else people instantly begin to follow me, enraptured…
There are three things you can say about John Everson: he has an insatiable love for jalapenos (hotter is better!), spooky pop music (can you say The Cure and The Cocteau Twins?) and cold English ale (Newcastle please?). He also loves the color purple (his home office is a deeply royal shade – as are all his booksigning pens), he drives a Mustang convertible (license plate: Haunter) and won a Bram Stoker Award for his first supernatural horror novel, COVENANT (…OK, six things). When he’s not writing creepy erotic horror novels like his sixth novel NightWhere, John writes and records pop music in a basement studio, spends a lot of time cultivating gardens, and works on gaining an encyclopedic knowledge of obscure European horror movies from the ’70s. (OK… nine things). Here’s one more thing: To find out more about his fiction, art and music, visit John Everson: Dark Arts. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook. Or check out his books:
- The Pumpkin Man: which was released last Halloween. Visit The Pumpkin Man microsite this season to read free Halloween fiction and Ask The Online Ouija Board questions… if they dare.
And don’t forget to check out our other Coffin Hop posts below!
Table of contents for Coffin Hop 2012
- This stop…the Coffin Hop!
- Coffin Hopping with Georgina Morales
- Coffin Hopping with Brent Abell
- Coffin Hopping with Brewin
- Coffin Hopping with L.M. Murphy
- Coffin Hopping with Julianne Snow
- Coffin Hopping with John Everson
- Coffin Hopping with C.W. LaSart
- Coffin Hopping with Axel Howerton
- Coffin Hopping with Red Tash
- Coffin Hopping with Jessica McHugh
- Coffin Hopping with Jolie Du Pre
- Coffin Hopping with Johanna K. Pitcairn